Dave's Blog

This can apply to roommates as well as multiple-live-together partners.

Trying to keep a surprise from someone when you have more than one person that you live with can be a challenge. If everyone that lives together is in the know about the surprise (especially the fact that it’s a surprise), it makes planning things much easier. If one doesn’t know it’s a surprise, you can pretty much guarantee that the surprise will be spoiled.

One of my partners and I recently planned a surprise for another partner that was mostly successful. The two of them enjoyed the evening as what we had planned was truly great.

A different event where two of us planned a surprise for a friend was nearly ruined by the third because one of our planning conversations was overheard by the third and wasn’t known to be a surprise. Make sure that everyone that might overhear conversations knows that you’re in the midst of planning a surprise. You may want to make sure that when it’s more than two of you in the house the other(s) are brought into the conversation.

On the other hand, trying to plan something that involves three of you, and wanting to have not just scheduling, but actual input from all partners in the decision making can be a challenge. Especially with a demanding child in the mix that is demanding attention from one or more of you during the conversation. Expect that if planning something with two people takes 10 minutes, 3 people will likely take 45 minutes and if you add a toddler to the mix, expect it to take over 2 hours.

I have a number of friends that are poly and have some interesting rules in their relationships. Some of them are:

No sex or intimate relationship with anybody with whom I have a professional relationship or nobody who is involved with someone with whom I have a professional relationship.

No relationship unless all current partners have met the potential partner.

No sex under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

Clean STD test before anything beyond manual sex.

No serious relationship, at most friends with benefits.

Nobody that is younger than ½ your age + 7 years.

Oral isn’t sex.

The new person has to be willing and able to describe any shared event to the non-directly involved partner.

Times and locations must be known at all times.

No more than 24 hours continuous with anyone but your primary.

Nothing new that hasn’t already been experienced between existing partners.

No sex with an ex.

No sex with anyone that you’ve known for less than 24 hours.

One possible route:

Ok, so you’re single, and you’ve decided that a Polyamorous relationship is the way to go. What now? Well, you could post singles ads and get completely ignored or thrown off the dating site. You could announce to your social group that you’ve decided to try poly and deal with the naysayers. Or you could just start dating.

Most people understand that when you are dating, you’re not exclusive. You generally don’t need, or want to bring it up as the first thing you say to that gal you’re flirting with. Just roll with it. Drop some hints or just come out and say that you’re not going to be exclusive with anyone. Make it clear that you are looking for a serious relationship, just not an exclusive one.

Before you dive into this, however, make sure you are ok with it internally. Think and meditate on it. If you feel that it is somehow wrong, it’s going to be wrong. Someone is much more likely to get hurt in the process if they feel that monogamy is in your future and they might be the one. As a guy, if you feel that what you are doing is wrong, the woman you are trying to start a relationship with may not know what is wrong with you for her, but she will feel that something is wrong and that will kill the chances of your relationship.

One possible route:

Ok, so you’re single, and you’ve decided that a Polyamorous relationship is the way to go. What now? Well, you could post singles ads and get flooded with pictured of penis’ from guys that think poly=easy-sex. You could announce to your social group that you’ve decided to try poly and deal with the naysayers. Or you could just start dating.

Most people understand that when you are dating, you’re not exclusive. You generally don’t need, or want to bring it up as the first thing you say to that guy you’re flirting with. Just roll with it. Drop some hints or just come out and say that you’re not going to be exclusive with anyone. Make it clear that you are looking for a serious relationship, just not an exclusive one. Or even make it clear that you are looking for more than one serious relationship.

Before you dive into this, however, make sure you are ok with it internally. Think and meditate on it. If you feel that it is somehow wrong, it’s going to be wrong. Someone is much more likely to get hurt in the process if they feel that monogamy is in your future and they might be the one.

You may be surprised to find how many women are comfortable with living a swigining lifestyle. More men than women experience jealousy when watching their partner sexually playing with others, expecially since it’s easier for an average woman in a open swinging environment to get attention than and average man.

If you are interested in casual playful sex, there are a lot of swinging parties all over the world. You may have to dig a bit to find them, but they are definately out there. Most swinger clubs have an orientation session where an experienced couple sits down with the new couple and discusses the rules of their club as well as some general safety rules (that should be common sense).

Introducing swinging to your relationship is just as dangerous as introducing poly, be sure you have a reasonable idea of what you are getting into if you want to go this route. Understand that one member of the couple may get a lot of attention your first time when the other member may get none. Saying “Be prepared to deal with this,” is kind of like saying “Be ready to be ignored while your partner gets the attention of everyone at the party,” but if you can be prepared for that extreme, and ok with it, you’ll do fine when the reality hits.

“The idea that one person could be all things to another person, satisfy every need, or even more than one, is sentimental and mawkish.” – Zack Addy from the TV series Bones

“The more you love, the more you can love – and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had Time Enough, he could Love all of the majority who are decent and just.” – Lazarus Long from the Robert A. Heinlien novel Time Enough for Love.

I may put more of these here as I re-find them.

If you believe you don’t trust your partner, check to see just how much you trust yourself (or how much they should trust you). If you were to find yourself in a situation, would you live up to the promises made to your partner? Is the fact that you wouldn’t, the reason you don’t trust your partner in similar situations?

How many times do you place blame on your partners for things that you hate about yourself? You should work on improving your strong points, instead of focusing on getting rid of your negative points. What you resist, persists.

If you give the benefit of the doubt, and presume the best, instead of the worst, things work out better for both of you. How often does an argument come up between you and your partner, and when all is said and done, you realize the beginning argument either is completely forgotten, or was a misunderstanding in the first place?

If you treat more of your interactions with partners and potential partners as a creation or sharing, instead of a battle against her/him, wouldn’t life go much smoother and happier? Stop trying to get something, or convince them of something, instead, work together to resolve the problems that manifest before you. Why do you presume the person in front of you is an adversary?

A few thoughts about “is it right or is it wrong”

The lines between types of relationships are often blurred. If you are in a monogamous relationship, but the two of you occasionally like to find a hot bi babe to bring home and play with, does that make you not monogamous? If you are in an otherwise monogamous relationship, but once a month you like to go to a party when you swap partners with other, like-minded people, are you a swinger? If you are in a monogamous relationship, but you are very close to another couple and share everything (activity-wise) except sex, are you in a poly-fi relationship?

I have friends that fit all of the above descriptions but they all claim to be monogamous. Is this wrong? I don’t believe so. Nowadays, your relationship is defined by your beliefs, the beliefs of your partner and how you present your relationship to others.

Looking at the above examples for a moment….

Couple 1) If the opportunity is presented to develop anything more than the occasional plaything, one or both of the partners will run. “I’m in a monogamous relationship!” they will say. So for them, can you say if it’s just playful sex, it doesn’t break the line of monogamy?

Couple 2) If something starts to develop something beyond the once a month sex-only meet-up does that destroy their relationship? Why was it ok when they were swapping but not ok with just one of them playing with greater frequency?

In both cases above, is it ok if it’s just for sex, but not ok if genuine emotional attachment grows?

Couple 3) Does sex need to happen to be non-monogamous? Is it really all about sex? If it IS really all about sex, what about the examples given with the other two couples?

Some people are ok with emotional attachments to others, as long as there is no sex. Others are ok with sex as long as there is no emotional attachment. When you move toward a relationship, understanding which type of person you are, and which type of person your potential partner is may become critical. A lack of this understanding is likely to lead to a lot of pain and suffering in the relationship. It goes back to “how do you define cheating?”

In the past few years, I’ve learned and developed some controversial ideas. Some of these ideas about relationships seem to be in conflict; however I’m striving to make them all work together. Some of these ideas have come from various pickup companies, and some have come from self-improvement companies, and some have come from psychology.

Men should take care of their own and their woman’s needs. Women should take care of men’s wants. This is not to say “Woman, stop doing my laundry for a minute and walk across the house to the kitchen to get me a beer, bring me that beer then go back to laundry and clean the house along the way.” Realize that many of those things that you think you need are really just wants. Realize what you actually want, not things that you believe you want just because your friends/neighbors happen to have them. Needs and wants should be unique to the individual.

Relationships should be all about making things together. Not about getting something from the other. Many of the relationships we see at today are all about getting something from the other person. Build the relationship together. Build a family together. Build friendships together. This doesn’t mean you should do EVERYTHING together.

Men should protect their women. This doesn’t just cover things like standing up for/with her in argument/debate (in public). This also means that if your woman likes certain things in bed, and isn’t public about those likes, you shouldn’t “out” her. This can even go to something as simple as addressing her fear of spiders. If she’s afraid of spiders, you should go the extra step to keep her from having to deal with spiders. Especially don’t talk negatively about “her stupid little hobby.”

Women should protect their men. If people are ridiculing the man in public, and the woman is part of the conversation, she should either defend him, or redirect the conversation. She should let the person that is being insulting know that their comments are offensive. Especially don’t talk negatively about “his stupid little hobby.”

Keep each other’s secrets. When you don’t, you are violating the trust placed in you by the other. This should remain even if you have separated. If you can’t trust the other after you are apart, why should you trust (or expect trust) when you are together? Don’t be openly negative about previous partners unless you’re ok with your previous partners expressing negativity about you.

This is a comment about special days and is directed to those with female partners. If you want to plan something special for an anniversary, a birthday, or any other day that you consider special, PLAN SOMETHING! It really doesn’t matter what you plan, but if you don’t plan something, what you are getting your female partner is NOTHING.

As a guy, if your woman says “It’s your special day, whatever you want is yours!” We think it’s a fantastic thing. A whole day devoted to what we want. It can be sports, being lazy, sex, or just about whatever and that’s great. If you offer that to your woman, she is going to think “You didn’t care enough about me to actually think of anything. I’ve given you enough hints and you can’t even be bothered to give me something special.”

Memories are special gifts, and so are little gifts that are obviously about her, from you. If you don’t take the time and effort to figure out something, you will have gotten her nothing. It’s great if you can go window shopping a week or more before the special day and just have a day together checking things out to give you some ideas. Whenever she gives you a hint of something she would like, make a note of it. You can even add it to your calendar entry that reminds you of the special day. (For those of us that use modern tools to help us to remember things).

If you regularly go to a certain restaurant or to a certain type of event with her, it doesn’t matter that you’re going to that restaurant on her special day, it is NOT SPECIAL. If you go out to the theater once a month with her, going to another theater event is NOT SPECIAL. For these, it doesn’t matter if you spend more money than you do otherwise; it’s just more of the same. If you always go out to dinner, cook for her on this special day. If you always go to a park to spend time together, go out to dinner. It HAS to be DIFFERENT for her to feel that it is special.

If she loves beer, and you regularly share a variety of beers, you’d better get her something other than that 5 pack of sampler beers from all around the world. It’s still just beer. Now if you give her that sampler pack early in the day on her special day, THEN you do something unusual and spectacular later in the day, she is more likely to remember the day as she drinks those special beers in later days. I’m sure you can adapt this to other things as well.

If she is special to you, make the day special for her (and for you). It’ll be worth it for both of you.