Dave's Blog

There are some basic things that most women believe that many men are completely

clueless about.  I hope to make some of these things clear today.

Most women don’t want to make decisions for their men.  If a man is going to take a

woman on a date, he needs to have things planned.  If things don’t work correctly,

she expects him to have a backup plan.  This doesn’t, however, mean that if she

hated Italian food, she’s likely to be ok with you choosing your favorite Italian

restaurant just because you made the choice.  She will have told you.  If you

didn’t listen, it’s your own fault for picking a restaurant that leads to her being

unhappy. 

Many women will make their opinions known about many subjects.  If you didn’t

listen, it’s your own fault.  If she has a fear of heights, she’s much less likely

to enjoy that rock climbing trip that you have planned for the two of you.  Take

all of the clues that she gives you and if you’re unsure, ask.  Just don’t ask as

you’re on your way to some event.

Many men say “Women expect us to be mind readers.”  My reply to this is “No, they

don’t.”  They expect you to listen and be able to think. 

Women need their needs to be met in a relationship.  Many women expect their man to

protect them.  This includes protecting them from themselves.  If you’re in a

relationship, and you keep getting into arguments with her about her paying

attention to someone else when she’s drunk at the bar, you should consider two

things.  1) What need isn’t she having met by you? AND 2) Why are you letting her

get that drunk, that often, in public, in the first place?

If she’s doing something you don’t like, tell her in private.  Don’t put her down

in front of anyone.  Gals, the same, about your guy (but women that are mostly

happy in the relationship are MUCH less likely to do this).  This especially

applies when your partner is NOT around.  This is a basic example of protecting

your partner that most people just don’t think about.

In days past, when a boy reached a certain age, he would have to do something to become a man. Many societies developed “coming of age” ceremonies. Now, they just have to live on this planet for a certain number of years.

Young men today have no path to determining their purpose. There is no drive or reason for them to do so. Not having made a choice for their purpose in life by age 30 is ok and in many cases acceptable by society today.

Women are attracted to men that know their purpose. Women want a man who puts his purpose in life above everything else, including her.

People wonder why relationships don’t last. There are many reasons why relationships don’t last. One reason, is that the man puts the woman on a pedestal and puts her above everything else in his life. One reason is because she settled for a boy because she couldn’t find a man who wasn’t an ass. One reason is because she wants sex, and society says that it’s not ok for a woman to have sex with the random guy she finds attractive so she settles for a guy that is a “nice-guy.”

Nice guys are often passive aggressive, wishy-washy, and have no understanding of their purpose. They are the 30 something, hopping from job to job in search of their purpose. If these guys would actually take the time to reflect inward and learn their purpose, they could become fantastic men. It’s too bad that we don’t teach guys to do so early in life.

Too Much Information?

Isn’t information and communication a good thing in any relationship? Well, I agree that a lot of communication is the key to making a relationship work. However, the style of communication has as many variants as there are people in relationships.

A few basic keys. If you use the dreaded phrase, “We need to talk.” or any of its variations, you are likely to run into a wall. Fighting your way through this wall is likely to leave all of you frustrated and not ready or able to actually have the talk you wanted to have in the first place. For every relationship, certain guidelines and rules need to be set down.

The basic rules should be a step by step process. You will either have some rules for your relationship based on your experiences with others, or you will run into something that is uncomfortable and create a rule based on this discomfort.

It’s ok to express rules that you’ve created from previous experiences through stories, or directly. Having too many “my way or the highway” rules expressed too early in the relationship is likely to kill the attraction before it has a good chance to start. Having too few rules expressed early in the relationship and you’re likely to run into one or more of them and that may end up killing the chances for your future as well.

If you’re a very logical person, your partner is likely to be the more emotional one. Discuss what you are both feeling as you are talking (especially when the topics turn uncomfortable). If these feelings are unusual for you, be prepared to have to pause the conversation and acknowledge the discomfort. This will help create a stronger connection between you.

If you’re the more emotional in the relationship, be open to your partner being uncomfortable with either of you sharing emotions. There will be some topics that you will discuss that will take a lot of time to work through. Be patient.

The only way you are going to know what is best for your relationship is to feel it out. Trust your emotions as your conversation flows. Start a conversation, feel the reaction (yours and your partner’s), gauge where you can go from there. Talk about how you are feeling as these things come up. This type of conversation alone can be a great way to connect with your partner. Set aside time to regularly talk about just anything and this will be a good opportunity to bring up potential issues. Create the space to build your relationship and it will grow naturally (thanks “S”).

People often tell me that my lifestyle is wrong. They also say that I should settle down with one woman and be monogamous. They say that it’s the natural way for humans to be.
I’ve thought on this and come to a few conclusions. I don’t believe that making this many people unhappy could possibly be right.
None of my current partners are monogamous. So, to be monogamous, I would have to rid my life of all of my current partners.
Perhaps it’s looking at things in the extreme, but were I to become monogamous the following would have to happen:
I would rid my home of the “negative” polyamorous influences. I would have to get rid of the partners that live here with me and my son. Currently, due to the economy, that would likely put two people and a child into a living situation that would be very difficult and significantly more stressful. I would have to sell my house and move to a rental situation.
I would be leaving other partners with no other outlet but their current primary relationship. Considering the stress relief I provide for these in various ways, what is the likelihood of their current primary relationships continuing to be as successful as they are? (They and I do believe that I am a positive influence on their primary relationships)

Most of my friends understand that I am a more productive person, happier and a better influence on my social circles with my current partners. Some of these friends have seen me during those times I have tried to be monogamous, and have seen the damage that resulted in the attempt. Often, people become poly after a long string of failed monogamous relationships where they got caught cheating. This has happened to me as both the cheated and the cheater.
I think it is better for me and everyone around me for me to remain poly and continue to discover the best ways to make relationships work. I will continue my education to understand the various types of relationships. I will continue to offer to those that want help in understanding what type of relationship works best for them, as well as those that want help in building the best relationship(s) within their preferred type.

I’m not talking about your taxes. I’m talking about your communication. When you have a strong emotional reaction to something your partner has said or done, talk about it with them. Often, your partner has no idea that it was any kind of deal at all, much less as big of a deal as it is to you.
Wedges get driven between you and your partner when you withhold communication. If you wait too long to discuss it, it will be VERY difficult to resolve.
People are often very surprised when a single action causes reactions that appear totally unrelated years later.

When starting a new relationship, you will often be affected by this brain altering state known as NRE. Unless you experience it, you really cannot understand just how much of a difference it makes in your life. Unless you experience someone else experiencing it, you really cannot understand just how much of a disruptive, chaotic mess it makes in your life.

So, you’re in this nice, stable, committed relationship, where everything is understood and all the rules are followed and partner A goes out, finds someone, plays with someone, they become the occasional playmate and all is fine. If this happens a few times in your relationships, you’re going to be completely disrupted when partner A finds someone, falls hard for that someone, and they start a relationship. New Relationship Energy can completely disrupt your life, your existing partner(s) lives, and pretty much anyone that is involved with you or your partners.

One thing I’ve read and heard often is “During NRE, pack nothing larger than a travel bag.” Decisions made during NRE may be regretted later. NRE is like a drug. Remember (if at all possible) that it will be a disruptive and stressful time. Long established (but not otherwise reviewed) rules may be forgotten, so it’s generally a good idea to review the rules of your relationship from time to time to have a chance of keeping these rules in mind when in the throes of NRE.

Speaking of drugs; major hormonal or psychology affecting drugs being changed will affect the way you or your partner(s) react to other people. Combining a major hormonal or drug change, with NRE is a recipe for potential disaster. These aren’t excuses, but may be mitigating reasons for why your life has become completely crazy. Appreciation for your partner who is going through NRE, as well as a healthy helping of compersion, will be necessary for your relationship to survive.

It’s been awhile since my last update here. I plan to get back to real posting very soon. Sorry for the absence, but I allowed life to intrude

Things should be back on track soon.

Dave

Guys, it’s your responsibility to take chances in your relationship or the gal is not going to take the serious chance of a long term relationship with you. From the initial meeting, to “the next level” to proposal to marriage, it’s all your responsibility. When you are wondering why you don’t have relationships that last more than a few months, you may consider that you’ve not taken the chances necessary to deeply and strongly connect with the lady and one or both of you just get bored.

In order to build a long-term relationship you need a few things. Trust and connection are at the core. She isn’t going to have a strong connection with you if you’re not willing to take a chance and open up. Think back on some of the things that have happened in your life that had particularly strong emotions associated with them. Discard everything that was a relationship with an ex. Then tell the gal you’re getting involved with a story about one of these events. Don’t waste your and her time by making something up, it has to be genuine and you have to feel genuine emotion in the telling.

I’m not saying to tell stories that have you in tears in the first 10 minutes of meeting her. I’m saying to take a chance and share some emotion. If you’re not willing to share, she knows that you aren’t able to take care of her when she is emotional because you have nothing to relate with. (Regardless of how emotional of a guy you really are)

Terms of endearment can be a good thing, or could be a bad thing. If you use terms of endearment, and you use different ones for every partner, it’s potentially more stressful in the heat of passion than just using the wrong person’s name. Using the same term of endearment for every partner, makes it less likely to “make a mistake” in the same situation. I’d recommend that you pick one method, or the other. Don’t mix and match between your various relationships.

Most people feel closer to their partner when they have some special nickname for them. A special nickname can either be shared just between the partners or openly used. Try starting an interaction with someone new by giving a nickname and just calling them by that nickname.

This can apply to roommates as well as multiple-live-together partners.

Trying to keep a surprise from someone when you have more than one person that you live with can be a challenge. If everyone that lives together is in the know about the surprise (especially the fact that it’s a surprise), it makes planning things much easier. If one doesn’t know it’s a surprise, you can pretty much guarantee that the surprise will be spoiled.

One of my partners and I recently planned a surprise for another partner that was mostly successful. The two of them enjoyed the evening as what we had planned was truly great.

A different event where two of us planned a surprise for a friend was nearly ruined by the third because one of our planning conversations was overheard by the third and wasn’t known to be a surprise. Make sure that everyone that might overhear conversations knows that you’re in the midst of planning a surprise. You may want to make sure that when it’s more than two of you in the house the other(s) are brought into the conversation.

On the other hand, trying to plan something that involves three of you, and wanting to have not just scheduling, but actual input from all partners in the decision making can be a challenge. Especially with a demanding child in the mix that is demanding attention from one or more of you during the conversation. Expect that if planning something with two people takes 10 minutes, 3 people will likely take 45 minutes and if you add a toddler to the mix, expect it to take over 2 hours.