Dave's Blog

There are some basic things that most women believe that many men are completely

clueless about.  I hope to make some of these things clear today.

Most women don’t want to make decisions for their men.  If a man is going to take a

woman on a date, he needs to have things planned.  If things don’t work correctly,

she expects him to have a backup plan.  This doesn’t, however, mean that if she

hated Italian food, she’s likely to be ok with you choosing your favorite Italian

restaurant just because you made the choice.  She will have told you.  If you

didn’t listen, it’s your own fault for picking a restaurant that leads to her being

unhappy. 

Many women will make their opinions known about many subjects.  If you didn’t

listen, it’s your own fault.  If she has a fear of heights, she’s much less likely

to enjoy that rock climbing trip that you have planned for the two of you.  Take

all of the clues that she gives you and if you’re unsure, ask.  Just don’t ask as

you’re on your way to some event.

Many men say “Women expect us to be mind readers.”  My reply to this is “No, they

don’t.”  They expect you to listen and be able to think. 

Women need their needs to be met in a relationship.  Many women expect their man to

protect them.  This includes protecting them from themselves.  If you’re in a

relationship, and you keep getting into arguments with her about her paying

attention to someone else when she’s drunk at the bar, you should consider two

things.  1) What need isn’t she having met by you? AND 2) Why are you letting her

get that drunk, that often, in public, in the first place?

If she’s doing something you don’t like, tell her in private.  Don’t put her down

in front of anyone.  Gals, the same, about your guy (but women that are mostly

happy in the relationship are MUCH less likely to do this).  This especially

applies when your partner is NOT around.  This is a basic example of protecting

your partner that most people just don’t think about.

I’m not talking about your taxes. I’m talking about your communication. When you have a strong emotional reaction to something your partner has said or done, talk about it with them. Often, your partner has no idea that it was any kind of deal at all, much less as big of a deal as it is to you.
Wedges get driven between you and your partner when you withhold communication. If you wait too long to discuss it, it will be VERY difficult to resolve.
People are often very surprised when a single action causes reactions that appear totally unrelated years later.

Guys, it’s your responsibility to take chances in your relationship or the gal is not going to take the serious chance of a long term relationship with you. From the initial meeting, to “the next level” to proposal to marriage, it’s all your responsibility. When you are wondering why you don’t have relationships that last more than a few months, you may consider that you’ve not taken the chances necessary to deeply and strongly connect with the lady and one or both of you just get bored.

In order to build a long-term relationship you need a few things. Trust and connection are at the core. She isn’t going to have a strong connection with you if you’re not willing to take a chance and open up. Think back on some of the things that have happened in your life that had particularly strong emotions associated with them. Discard everything that was a relationship with an ex. Then tell the gal you’re getting involved with a story about one of these events. Don’t waste your and her time by making something up, it has to be genuine and you have to feel genuine emotion in the telling.

I’m not saying to tell stories that have you in tears in the first 10 minutes of meeting her. I’m saying to take a chance and share some emotion. If you’re not willing to share, she knows that you aren’t able to take care of her when she is emotional because you have nothing to relate with. (Regardless of how emotional of a guy you really are)

If you believe you don’t trust your partner, check to see just how much you trust yourself (or how much they should trust you). If you were to find yourself in a situation, would you live up to the promises made to your partner? Is the fact that you wouldn’t, the reason you don’t trust your partner in similar situations?

How many times do you place blame on your partners for things that you hate about yourself? You should work on improving your strong points, instead of focusing on getting rid of your negative points. What you resist, persists.

If you give the benefit of the doubt, and presume the best, instead of the worst, things work out better for both of you. How often does an argument come up between you and your partner, and when all is said and done, you realize the beginning argument either is completely forgotten, or was a misunderstanding in the first place?

If you treat more of your interactions with partners and potential partners as a creation or sharing, instead of a battle against her/him, wouldn’t life go much smoother and happier? Stop trying to get something, or convince them of something, instead, work together to resolve the problems that manifest before you. Why do you presume the person in front of you is an adversary?

A few thoughts about “is it right or is it wrong”

The lines between types of relationships are often blurred. If you are in a monogamous relationship, but the two of you occasionally like to find a hot bi babe to bring home and play with, does that make you not monogamous? If you are in an otherwise monogamous relationship, but once a month you like to go to a party when you swap partners with other, like-minded people, are you a swinger? If you are in a monogamous relationship, but you are very close to another couple and share everything (activity-wise) except sex, are you in a poly-fi relationship?

I have friends that fit all of the above descriptions but they all claim to be monogamous. Is this wrong? I don’t believe so. Nowadays, your relationship is defined by your beliefs, the beliefs of your partner and how you present your relationship to others.

Looking at the above examples for a moment….

Couple 1) If the opportunity is presented to develop anything more than the occasional plaything, one or both of the partners will run. “I’m in a monogamous relationship!” they will say. So for them, can you say if it’s just playful sex, it doesn’t break the line of monogamy?

Couple 2) If something starts to develop something beyond the once a month sex-only meet-up does that destroy their relationship? Why was it ok when they were swapping but not ok with just one of them playing with greater frequency?

In both cases above, is it ok if it’s just for sex, but not ok if genuine emotional attachment grows?

Couple 3) Does sex need to happen to be non-monogamous? Is it really all about sex? If it IS really all about sex, what about the examples given with the other two couples?

Some people are ok with emotional attachments to others, as long as there is no sex. Others are ok with sex as long as there is no emotional attachment. When you move toward a relationship, understanding which type of person you are, and which type of person your potential partner is may become critical. A lack of this understanding is likely to lead to a lot of pain and suffering in the relationship. It goes back to “how do you define cheating?”

In the past few years, I’ve learned and developed some controversial ideas. Some of these ideas about relationships seem to be in conflict; however I’m striving to make them all work together. Some of these ideas have come from various pickup companies, and some have come from self-improvement companies, and some have come from psychology.

Men should take care of their own and their woman’s needs. Women should take care of men’s wants. This is not to say “Woman, stop doing my laundry for a minute and walk across the house to the kitchen to get me a beer, bring me that beer then go back to laundry and clean the house along the way.” Realize that many of those things that you think you need are really just wants. Realize what you actually want, not things that you believe you want just because your friends/neighbors happen to have them. Needs and wants should be unique to the individual.

Relationships should be all about making things together. Not about getting something from the other. Many of the relationships we see at today are all about getting something from the other person. Build the relationship together. Build a family together. Build friendships together. This doesn’t mean you should do EVERYTHING together.

Men should protect their women. This doesn’t just cover things like standing up for/with her in argument/debate (in public). This also means that if your woman likes certain things in bed, and isn’t public about those likes, you shouldn’t “out” her. This can even go to something as simple as addressing her fear of spiders. If she’s afraid of spiders, you should go the extra step to keep her from having to deal with spiders. Especially don’t talk negatively about “her stupid little hobby.”

Women should protect their men. If people are ridiculing the man in public, and the woman is part of the conversation, she should either defend him, or redirect the conversation. She should let the person that is being insulting know that their comments are offensive. Especially don’t talk negatively about “his stupid little hobby.”

Keep each other’s secrets. When you don’t, you are violating the trust placed in you by the other. This should remain even if you have separated. If you can’t trust the other after you are apart, why should you trust (or expect trust) when you are together? Don’t be openly negative about previous partners unless you’re ok with your previous partners expressing negativity about you.

This is a comment about special days and is directed to those with female partners. If you want to plan something special for an anniversary, a birthday, or any other day that you consider special, PLAN SOMETHING! It really doesn’t matter what you plan, but if you don’t plan something, what you are getting your female partner is NOTHING.

As a guy, if your woman says “It’s your special day, whatever you want is yours!” We think it’s a fantastic thing. A whole day devoted to what we want. It can be sports, being lazy, sex, or just about whatever and that’s great. If you offer that to your woman, she is going to think “You didn’t care enough about me to actually think of anything. I’ve given you enough hints and you can’t even be bothered to give me something special.”

Memories are special gifts, and so are little gifts that are obviously about her, from you. If you don’t take the time and effort to figure out something, you will have gotten her nothing. It’s great if you can go window shopping a week or more before the special day and just have a day together checking things out to give you some ideas. Whenever she gives you a hint of something she would like, make a note of it. You can even add it to your calendar entry that reminds you of the special day. (For those of us that use modern tools to help us to remember things).

If you regularly go to a certain restaurant or to a certain type of event with her, it doesn’t matter that you’re going to that restaurant on her special day, it is NOT SPECIAL. If you go out to the theater once a month with her, going to another theater event is NOT SPECIAL. For these, it doesn’t matter if you spend more money than you do otherwise; it’s just more of the same. If you always go out to dinner, cook for her on this special day. If you always go to a park to spend time together, go out to dinner. It HAS to be DIFFERENT for her to feel that it is special.

If she loves beer, and you regularly share a variety of beers, you’d better get her something other than that 5 pack of sampler beers from all around the world. It’s still just beer. Now if you give her that sampler pack early in the day on her special day, THEN you do something unusual and spectacular later in the day, she is more likely to remember the day as she drinks those special beers in later days. I’m sure you can adapt this to other things as well.

If she is special to you, make the day special for her (and for you). It’ll be worth it for both of you.

Define cheating. If you are monogamous or polyamorous there really isn’t a difference. Cheating is when you do something that is contrary to the terms of your relationship.

What is cheating?

Is it: flirting?
kissing?
petting?
oral sex?
coitus?

Is it: playing video games?
watching porn?
chatting online?
cybering?

Is it: telling your partner you are doing one thing when you are actually doing another?
avoiding conversation with your partner?
denying sex?
working overtime?
masturbation?

Any or all of these things CAN BE cheating. It all depends on your relationship. In most poly relationships, having sex with someone other than your partner isn’t cheating. Lying about it is. In many relationships, having “feelings” for someone else and not letting your partner know is cheating.

I recommend that you have a good understanding of what, for you, is cheating. Do this BEFORE entering into a relationship. Talk about it with your partner. Otherwise, when your partner does something you consider cheating, is it really cheating?

There are a lot of people who for one reason or another believe that having more than one lover is wrong. If you are one of those people, and are trying to build this type of relationship, you are going to fail. If your only reason to have a multiple partner relationship is to prove something, or in some way have more trophies than your friends, you’re very unlikely to make this type of relationship work.

It is quite possible to go from a monogamous to a poly relationship or vice versa. If you have learned that monogamous is the only way to have a relationship, and you don’t want to live a monogamous lifestyle, figuring out where your monogamous mindset originated, and why you believe it, should be your first step.

Many people understand when you are not being genuine. If you are objectifying and not being honest with yourself or them OR if you have a hidden agenda you will come across as slimy or creepy (including when you are a guy and all you are looking for is to have a group of women to have casual sex with but you appear to be looking for a relationship).

If you simply want to be casually dating, unwilling to make a commitment, and/or want a casual sex relationship (booty call), don’t be telling people that you are looking for any type of serious relationship. Don’t be talking about the white picket fence and 2.6 children in the suburbs if you only want to spend time with people for sex.

No, this isn’t a post about how to best fight with the other gender. Men and women have a lot of differences, and a lot of similarities. When it comes to relationships, there are so many ways to make a relationship work.

Men, your #1 key is to be a man. Lead her. This doesn’t mean that you’re going to make a relationship work by being an inattentive asshole. If you have no idea what to do with her that night, remember your last couple of conversations. She’s likely given you a list of things that she would like to do. You may even have thought at that time “Hey, that’d be a great thing to do!” but have forgotten since then. If you decide that what you want to do is something she mentioned in a previous conversation, you’re making the decision and you already know it’s something she wants to do. You’re leading.

Women, your #1 key is to remember that you are a woman. In this day, women are often required to take the role of men since the men have forgotten how. If you’re looking for a man, stop settling for girly men.

Men and women can get along. Part of what works best is establishing rules and roles of communication. Don’t change the rules in the middle of the game. Make it clear what your expectations are for a relationship. Many individuals in relationships have the same rules but will argue against the other(s) description/version because they don’t understand.

Guys, if you can relate it to a story that lets her feel your emotional reasons for your rules, she’s more likely to agree and not fight it. If you just say “This is my rule, deal with it!” you’re likely to get drama. Gals, if you can be clear on your rules he’s more likely to agree and remember. Remember, guys communicate through facts and logic and women communicate through emotions. A woman is often not capable of moving into a logical discussion about a problem until her emotions have been acknowledged.